21, single, and in love with fictional men and celebrities.

I recently turned 21, and by recently I mean more or less two weeks ago. And before I turned 21, I had the very upsetting realization that I was still single, and had never had a relationship, and I was turning 21. That wouldn't be that scary, given that I am quite content with my life, and upon watching numerous tik toks and talking with many friends, I have realized that I am not the only one who is completely inexperienced in love and lust. But, that doesn't make it any less scary when you realize that the timeline that your younger self had come up with is slowly being torn apart.

For example, when I was younger I watched a lot of TV. Like a lot of TV. Some may say that I was an iPad kid before my or other families even owned an iPad. And watching a lot of TV leads to a form of brainwashing; once you watch enough shows where the main character falls in love and has a boyfriend as early as 15 years old, you assume that you too will have a boyfriend at 15 years old. It's just what will happen. Girls grow up, they become tweens and teens, and then guys just flock toward them: if they are cool, they've got it in the bag. Don't worry because they will get a boyfriend before anyone else. Even if they are shy or dorky or a little odd, there will be a guy who is interested in them and goes to talk to them, and then BAM, another match made in heaven. So there's really nothing to worry about because it is just the circle of life. It is inevitable; you will grow up and you will date someone and your entire life will be spent moving between relationships and experiencing love and heartbreak and every emotion in between.

So I had no concerns about meeting someone. It didn't happen at 12, well that's fine, it'll happen at 13 or 14. Still no luck? Well, you're starting high school now so don't worry, it will for sure happen now. Still nothing? Well, you're not even 17 yet, wait a few more years. No boyfriend throughout high school? That's a bummer, but you're starting college and that's when all the single high school girls find the loves of their lives. Still no one after your sophomore year? Well, maybe you'll find someone when you study abroad. A little fling. Nope. 21, still single, still never been kissed, or held hands romantically with a boy, nothing. Nada. Zilch.

At a certain point, the certainty and the narrative that has been implanted and engrained in you through TV shows and movies, and even cheesy romance novels burst the bubble. You're still alone, and why is that? It can't be that society has portrayed an unhealthy and unrealistic view of romantic life and completely ignored that women have value aside from being in relationships and that most women spend a healthy chunk of time single because, at the end of the day, romantic love is not the only type of love in the world. No, it couldn't be that. It must be that there is something wrong with me, I must be unlovable, there must be no one out there for me and I might as well stop trying. That's the narrative that gets pushed through. It doesn't help that one by one, you see the people you love to find partners and when you tell them how lonely you feel and how you wish you could find a boyfriend, they tell you "You're not missing out on much," "The right person will come at the right time," "You are so loveable you just have to wait for the right time," blah, blah blah, blah blah. It seems like a bunch of bullshit. And even more than that, there is nothing that single people like me hate more than being told by someone in a relationship that it's not so great being in a relationship, or that you are not missing out on much, or that being single is great too and you just have to wait. Because truly, they have never had to know this struggle of being single for their entire life, at least if they are one of the people that seem to have been in a relationship since a very early age.

I will say, as I have gotten older this has gotten better. I've seen and heard a lot from other women who are in their early to late 20s and even their 30s and have never been in a relationship. They normalize it and by sharing their stories on social media or blogs like mine, it is easier for other single women and girls to understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. That there is such a thing as not being ready for a relationship, and that creating a relationship is not just about drawing or attracting someone to you, but being your best self first and foremost. That brings me some comfort. I enjoy being alone, I love the life that I have created for myself. I have amazing friends and family, I am at a good place with my mental health, and I am achieving and working towards my goals. However, it is still hard sometimes. For instance, I write love stories and love poems quite frequently. It is hard not to feel like a fraud writing about love when I have never felt romantic love myself. Sure, I've read about it and watched movies and TV shows and as a creative and hopeless romantic person, I am able to put myself into the emotional shoes of someone who is deeply, madly in love. But, it is not the same as feeling it. And so while I feel like a fraud, it also cuts deep reading what I have written or what others have written and knowing that it is not my reality. I can fall in love with the men that I write or the men that I read about or even celebrities like Harry Styles (my #1 true love). But they are in my head, that is it. They consist of daydreams and escapism that I use to forget about the fact that I am not actually in love nor is any man in love with me. I think above all, above what people in relationships think is advice and the timeline that the media has created for us and the dread of letting down our past selves who thought we would have met our Prince Charming by now, the worst part of it all is realizing that the happily ever afters are only in our heads.

With love and joy,

T