The Beauty and the Beast of Being Alone

The one thing that I would recommend to anyone I know is being alone. It doesn't matter if that is for a long period of time, or even just for a day. Being alone is the cheapest form of therapy. Sure, at first it sucks. It is absolutely awkward and uncomfortable and you're probably going to ask yourself "Why

the hell did I do this if I could have done it with someone else?"

The thing is though, is that discomfort is exactly what makes being alone so great. The beginning is hard, but you work your way through the discomfort on your own. You learn things about yourself that you would never be able to learn with other people because when we are with other people, we are able to not think about ourselves for a little bit. You might not be a different person necessarily, especially if you have found people that bring out the best of you. However, you surely are not fully focused on what makes you happy and what you want to do. That's where being alone comes into play.

I'll start with the beauty because being alone is really an art. You have to put a lot of time and effort into turning it into something beautiful that brings you pleasure. When I started my journey of being alone, I hated it so much. I never chose to be alone. Whether I was at home with my parents or with my friends at school, I would much rather do things with other people than dare do them on my own. Staying home while my parents ran errands? No, thank you. Go to an event at school alone where I wouldn't know anybody? Fuck no. But then my sophomore year of college, I was randomly assigned a roommate. We had zero friendship, or really any relationship other than passive aggressiveness and me crying in my room. My best friends all lived in different places, one of them in an apartment off campus, and the other two in a dorm apartment on our downtown campus. So most of the time, I did things alone. Not necessarily out and about campus and Chicago, but I got comfortable with being in my dorm alone. I'd cook for myself, watch tv shows that I wanted to watch, listen to music, and sing and dance in the kitchen. Everything that I didn't do before because I was always with other people.

I thought that this was such a big accomplishment, and suddenly I had solved every one of my problems with being alone with myself. One thing I've learned in my self-growth journey is that whenever you think that, it's most definitely not the case. I hadn't fixed anything because I was still terrified to eat at a restaurant alone. What I had done though, was take a big step in the right direction. A step that I fell back on a bit the next year when I moved in with my college friend group. I will say, living with your friends is something that I also find absolutely beautiful and I wouldn't change that for the world. But, that didn't mean my journey to being alone hadn't backtracked slightly. Being with my best friends made it really easy for me to abandon my need to be alone. I'd spend every night with them, pushing myself past my introverted limits out of fear that if I retreated to my room, they would have more fun out there without me. And of course, I would miss out on quality bonding time. That was quite possibly the biggest fear I have held onto ever since I was a senior in high school. Ever since I found a friend group that I loved and felt lucky to be a part of. The fear of not being available every moment of every day for these friends, of being super funny and making them laugh, showing them how much they could love me and want to be around me, prove myself as a great friend and person who they would want by always being available at the drop of a hat to hang out with them...If I did all of these things, they would surely never leave me. The thing is, that no matter how much you do that, you are throwing away a part of yourself. Every ounce of who you are is handed on a silver platter plastered with makeup and prepped for hours to make sure that it is presentable. That I am presentable. Likable. Loveable. It's so hard to believe that other people can love you and like you without you doing anything special when you don't believe it yourself.

When I met my best friends in college, I had already been working on this FOMO with my friends at home. But now I had to slay this horrible, ugly dragon with my new friends. I remember so many moments of panicking and crying in my room because I had just met these girls, and I knew they were something special, and I did not want them to realize that their life was more fun without me. I am really proud to say that I worked on that, and I have grown to a point where soon enough it will not haunt me. And the way I did that? Study abroad.

---

I have spent the last four months in Madrid, Spain through a study abroad program at my school. Leading up to this, I was absolutely terrified. I could not believe that my friends would miss me as much as I would miss them, and I assumed that in this time apart, they would grow closer without me. In fact, it dominated my entire being until the day that I got on the airplane. I know that it sounds so cliche when people say that studying abroad changed them, that it was "the best thing to ever happen to me," or that they "will never be the same person again." But now I agree. I spent the last four months trying to focus on myself as best as I possibly could. I explored Madrid on my own, I ate at restaurants alone, and I went to big monuments alone. Even when it felt fucking awkward and uncomfortable. I brought a book or my Airpods, and I enjoyed myself. I had my moments, we all do. I felt lonely sometimes and for a while, I pushed myself past my limits to be available for all my new friends. I went out late, went to clubs, and bars, I was tired and got two nasty colds in a row that knocked me out. It was stupid, but it needed to happen. Because I took a step back and realized that if I continued to live my life seeking validation from others, I was never going to be happy. And no matter who stays or leaves your life, you will always have yourself. So you better fucking enjoy it, because that's your ride or die.

I started to take better care of myself and create routines. I listened to myself and what I wanted and started to say no without hesitation. I stopped being afraid that my friends back home were getting closer without me through open communication and lots of facetime. And I took a big solo trip to Cinque Terre Italy over Semana Santa in Spain. All of that deserves its own blog post, so I won't go into too much detail. But, it was the best experience of my life as of yet. I spent 8 days completely by myself navigating a foreign country where almost everyone else was with family or friends or a partner. But I did exactly what I wanted to do: I saw the sights, I read my book and sunbathed on the beach, I ate pasta and gelato every day, I took a baking class and a boat tour, and I just enjoyed myself. I was the happiest I have ever been. Because for once, I was just existing in the peace of being by myself. I learned that I'm really funny and goofy, I danced in my underwear in my room and had a blast, I ate wonderful dinners and saw wonderful things and I knew that I would remember all of it forever. It was the best trip I have ever taken and it's all because I was completely and 100% on my own. It was as if a veil had been lifted and every thought about myself being dependent or not capable flew away. The entire narrative was scraped and I was able to see myself as the fucking badass I have always been. And I will truly never be the same ever again.

Manarola, Cinque Terre, Italy 2023

I leave in two weeks to go back to the States. The fear of losing my friends has turned into the fear of "how the hell am I going to replicate the life I have built here?" I stopped thinking that everyone was going to leave me because I just left for four months and if anything, I have talked more on the phone with my friends this semester than I have any school vacation that we have been apart. I can tell that they miss me, and I miss them a whole lot. I recently took myself on a long walk after dinner. I walked through the park from my dorm the 30 some minutes to Madrid's Royal Palace. That was the first place that I went to the first weekend that I was here in Madrid. And when I did that the last time, I felt really uncomfortable. I didn't like sightseeing without my family or my friends. I felt uncomfortable taking pictures or a selfie and I wanted to go home. This time, three months later, I was so happy. I was just content being by myself, moving my body, and seeing the people of Madrid out and about before dinner as the sun and the afternoon heat were settling. It was a full-circle moment. Because I could feel how much had changed. At my core, I can feel how much I have changed. As you can see in the slideshow below, I do still wear my Airpods on these walks. But it's no longer to listen to podcasts because I cannot be alone with myself. Now it's so that I can listen to what helps me enjoy time alone with myself.

January 2023

April 2023

---

Being alone is not always great. It can suck, it can be super hard and awkward and uncomfortable and sometimes you just have to cry in your bed about how much you want to go home. My experience traveling alone was great, but it isn't for everyone. And I worked my way to that point. The beauty of being alone doesn't show itself until you go through the beast of being alone. And sometimes, the beast can be so defeating, you wonder why you are even doing it, or if you should just stop. If you think that you could never be alone with yourself, or that you would rather do stuff with other people, I would ask of you to read this and try doing one or two small things by yourself. Start small before working up to bigger things. Be kind to yourself if it doesn't go to plan. In the awkward parts where you wish no one would perceive you ever, take a deep breath, and remember that you are safe with yourself. It's just you and yourself. And no one can take that away from you.

Forever and Always,

T